Life is a Cabaret, old chum.

You’d think I’d learnt my lesson after a certain ‘ManFrancisco’, where I took my chum to experience her first male ‘strip’ show, except it was less Magic Mike and more Broke back Mountain (Should’ve known with it being in San Francisco’s Castro).

But when I saw Proud Cabaret in Brighton, 10 minutes walk from our guest house, I thought – hey! This is going to be great!

Walking in I was in awe of the dimly lit venue, crowded with hyper hen parties and waitresses skimping around in velvet bodysuits.

Unfortunately, my excitement was short lived.

Opting for show-only tickets, priced at £10, we were to be located at the bar. What they didn’t tell us, is that there would be two bar stools between six of you, crowded into a space where waiters are running in and out of the small door where the cabaret acts emerge from, and where the lighting assistant will stand in front of you blocking your view.

But, being in Brighton and all I wanted to keep an open mind.

Music began to play and my heart raced as a blonde bombshell emerged in sparkles ready to get the show on the road. Singing ballads and belting out notes as she surveyed the room.

Ok, I thought, maybe this won’t be so bad after all!

Then a six month pregnant ‘Jessica Rabbit’ took off her dress.

Complaints came pouring in over food that hadn’t arrived, and drinks that were missing. All within ear shot of us cheap skates who wanted direct access to the cocktail bar with an elevated view of the stage – now blocked by the lighting assistant.

The second act takes the stage, Chi Chi, whipping her hips with numerous hula hoops – which was actually pretty entertaining.

The we had a break… a break? We’ve just began!

Three acts, another break.

Food’s still being served three hours later.

Another two acts, the end.

A total of three acts, lasting no more than 5 minutes each, rotated throughout the course of the evening. Three and a half if you count the unborn child.

I could’ve forgiven it if the cocktails had blown me away, but a cocktail isn’t a cocktail if its made with purees I can buy in Asda!

Now I can’t speak for those seated at tables who received the full dining experience, but my experience was far from great, and I personally wouldn’t recommend visiting a show at Proud Cabaret – although my Mum saw the hilarity of it all (probably the cocktails).

Its such a shame for an establishment that has enormous potential, fuelled by the reputation of the city it resides.

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